Parental Displays of Affection

A few years ago (I don’t remember exactly how many now, but it was after our second child and before our third, so I’ll say something like six), another parent in the park told me that her three-year-old kid had walked in on her and her husband during sex. She didn’t think the kid had seen very much or that he would even know what was going on if he had, but the incident had been a bit traumatic for the parents. “I don’t mind my kids knowing that we’re affectionate,” she said, “but it’s weird to think of them knowing that we’re sexual.”

Most people don’t verbalize that sentiment quite so succinctly, but I’ve heard lots of parents worry about how much affection to show each other in front of the kids. And there are lots of opinions on the subject. I know parents who are so careful in front of their children that you’d wonder if they were attracted to each other at all. I know others who are so open that I end up feeling uncomfortable around them myself sometimes.

My experience in my own family growing up was that people didn’t show much affection anywhere in public, never mind in front of their children. I never saw my father’s parents even hold hands (not until my grandfather was senile, and then he’d ask my grandmother to come sit on his knee, which was cute and hilarious in equal parts for everyone else). My mother’s parents seemed almost entirely asexual with each other. My own parents were slightly more affectionate, but only slightly, and only before their relationship soured during my high school years. My wife’s parents only ever blew kisses at each other in public.

Some of my friends’ parents, however, were much more public about their affection. In one case they were quite open with everyone that Thursday nights (when the kids were at youth group until late) was sex night, and any children who came home early that night might see some things they couldn’t unremember. Once, when I was with another friend, his mother jokingly told his father to kiss her ass, at which point he picked her up, flipped her over, and did just that. I was the only person there who seemed to think that was strange in the least.

When it comes to my own kids, I’ve tried to avoid extremes. On the one hand, I want them to know that sex and sexuality are part of a healthy relationship, even if that relationship is between their parents, even if they’d rather not think about it too much. On the other hand, I don’t want them to think that a relationship is just about sex either. I want them to see sexuality as one of many things that make up a normal and healthy relationship.

I don’t have all the answers as to how you do this, but my wife and I have tried to work by a few principles:

1) We try to talk truthfully and factually about sex, but also let our kids know that there are some things we keep private. If they ask questions about sex, we never lie or put them off. We just try to answer as best we can in a way that’s age appropriate. And when they begin to tread on areas that are personal, we tell them straight up that part of a healthy sexuality is keeping some things just between ourselves.

2) We try to model all different kinds of affection with each other. If one of us is feeling down, we give hugs. If someone is sore after a workout, we rub shoulders. We give quick goodbye kisses, and we give good long I-love-you kisses. We give high fives, and we give pats on the bottom. We cuddle during family movies, and we sit on laps when there aren’t enough chairs to go around. And hopefully, what kids see is that a healthy relationship does involve sexual affection, but not only sexual affection.

3) We try not to make sex into a serious or scary thing. We joke about it. We make it part of our normal conversation. When I was buying gifts at the mall with my middle kid a few weeks ago, I suggested to him that he should check out his favourite shoe store while I grabbed a few things for his mother. He was suspicious that I was actually going to buy a present for him (which was true) so he asked if he could come along. I told him that he could, but that I was just picking up some fishnet stockings and some handcuffs. He laughed his head off, but reconsidered accompanying me. I got his gift purchased, and he got a reminder that sex is a normal thing that can be joked about, even with a parent.

4) We also try not to make sex a flippant or meaningless thing. In the midst of a media culture that often represents sex as being emotionally empty and without consequences, we try to model and talk about sexuality as being more than just a physical act. We try to help our kids recognize that sex involves the emotional and psychological as well as the physical, that it can have consequences beyond just feeling good in the moment.

Your own family culture will be different, of course, but I think it’s important to recognize that we’re the first place that our kids have the opportunity to see sexuality modelled. Just as we need to show them how to be physically and emotionally healthy, we need to show them how to be sexually healthy, even if it makes us feel uncomfortable sometimes.