A tone of voice

I come from a family of five boys, and there is nothing very quiet about what we do.  We talk loudly, and we talk about serious things, and we are very willing to disagree with one another.  From the outside, it often appears that we dislike each other, but the truth is that we get along very well, and it is precisely because we are so comfortable in our relationships with each other that we can say difficult things.

I quickly learned, however, that not all families are like this. If I were to interact with my wife’s family as bluntly and as ironically as I interact with my own, for example, they would be very hurt and offended.  As a parent, I am now having to learn this lesson even more fully, because my kids don’t all respond in the same ways to the same kinds of communication.

My eldest son is much like my family. He can argue passionately, even aggressively, without being offended.  So long as people aren’t making personal attacks, he doesn’t take it personally if voices get raised. My middle son is quite the opposite. He is very sensitive to tone of voice. If people appear to argue with him, to raise their voices, to be ironic, he gets angry and defensive. A stray word or phrase that would be perfectly innocuous to my eldest, might hurt him quite deeply.

This means that I have to be very careful with the tone of voice that I use with each child in order to meet their needs. My eldest needs a certain argumentative style of conversation, especially when he is thinking through a new idea. Like me, this kind of interaction stimulates him. My middle son needs a careful and affirmative style of conversation, especially when he feels uncertain or persecuted. He needs to feel safe before he can even worry about the actual subject of the conversation.

As I change my style of conversation to meet the needs of my children, I am finding that they respond more positively to instruction, express themselves more openly with me, and interact with me in a more adult way. There is less whining and shouting because they feel as though they are already being heard, and it is making a subtle put profound change in our family.