Big happy familiy

If you’ve been to a wedding where a relative has set a napkin on fire, or are so desperate for an excuse to leave an awkward family gathering that you’ve actually told people you had to head off for a root canal, you need to read Jeremy Greenberg’s book Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide.
In this hilarious book Greenberg quickly gets to the point. Chapter two  provides “some good reasons to hate your family.”
“Do you have a racist uncle, a homophobic cousin (who for some odd reason also has a remarkable fashion sense), an arrogant brother, an obese aunt, an alcoholic mother, an overbearing father, and a perfect younger sister (and perfect in this case means being able to hide her bulimia from the rest of the family)?
Of course you do. Every family since the beginning of time has some level of dysfunction. Heck, even Adam and Eve had personal problems. Right after Eve ate the apple, she ran to the bathroom and threw it up so she wouldn’t get fat. The story goes that Adam and Eve learned they were naked and started to cover up, but the truth is Eve had body image issues, and used a big fig leaf because she had no sweater to tie around her waist (of course, it was largely Adam’s fault for telling Eve she could no longer fit behind the trees like she used to when they first met).”
It should come as no surprise that Greenberg is a stand-up comedian and writer. This book is full of games, exit strategies, conversation starters and other tips that will help you survive any family situation. How can you go wrong with a book that offers survival tips like: “You don’t need to drink ahead of time if your family bonds through booze” or “Being polite is different than being helpful. Just ask any Home Depot employee.”  
Of course, some of Greenberg’s best material comes from in-laws. “When you first meet your mother-in-law-to-be and she asks, ‘So tell me about yourself,’ she’s really saying, ‘Please explain what you think you can gain by sleeping with a member of my family.’”  
That said, there’s more than a bit of hilarity provided by the section on weddings. Chapter 21, “I Can’t Believe I’m Paying for Her to Marry Him,” includes this simple truth: “If you’d done a better job instilling classist values, your kid might have considered the person she’s about to marry to be nothing more than a fun little fling. Instead, you filled your kids head full of crap like, ‘Marry who you love’ or ‘Find someone who makes you happy.’ You screwed up. And now your little darling is marrying a guy who responds to the question, ‘What do you want to do as a career?’ with ‘Well, right now, I help people park their cars at rock concerts.’”
If nothing else, Greenberg’s book will keep you laughing and provide some great one-liners at your next family gathering. Especially for me – my answer to that career question 22 years ago? “Become a pro triathlete.”

• Greenberg, Jeremy, Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide. Andrews McMeel Publishing, Kansas City, August 2008