Getting Motivated

I’ve always been a pretty self-motivated person. If I think something is worth doing, I don’t generally need people to give me a pep talk in order to get it done. If I think something is the right thing to do, I don’t generally need punishment or reward to make the right choice. I’m in most ways intrinsically motivated.

Now, this kind of personality definitely has its drawbacks. I tend not to jump through hoops or negotiate red tape well. I’m not great at operating in group situations, especially if I feel like the group is moving too slowly or isn’t able to get its priorities straight. On the other hand, I am good at working independently, and I can get a whole lot done in a short period of time if I’m left to my own devices.

You don’t likely care about any of that, but I’m recognizing more and more how this aspect of my personality can pose some challenges when it comes to parenting. The problem is that my two youngest kids are not at all intrinsically motivated. Like my wife, they tend to be motivated more by external factors, like grades and awards and other people’s opinions.

The positive side of their extrinsic motivation is that they’re quite good at working within systems that give them the affirmation they think is important, whether that be the grades assigned by the teacher or the ribbon won at the track meet. But this same trait can also be a negative, like when they act out in order to get approval from the cool kids at school.

Extrinsically motivated kids are the ones who work hard to get extra credit in class, not necessarily because they love the subject but because they know they’ll need it to get into the university they want. They’re also the kids who cut class, not in order to be lazy but to impress their friends. The two behaviours both come from the same kind of external motivation.

As I said, my two younger kids are both motivated by these kinds of external factors, and I find it difficult sometimes, as a more intrinsically motivated person, to understand and parent them like they need. Where they worry about their grades, I could never even be bothered to check my report card. Where they love graduations and award ceremonies, I didn’t even attend my BA or MA graduations. Where they care deeply about their friends’ opinion of them, I couldn’t care less what other people think or say about me.

Practically speaking what this means is that I don’t naturally think to give them the external motivations and affirmations that they crave. Because I don’t myself need people saying,“You can do it,” or “You did a great job,” I don’t always remember that they do need this kind of thing. Because I don’t myself care about formal recognition for what I do, I forget that they do want a special dinner or celebration when they’ve accomplished something. And I need to do better at giving them these things.

Now, I’m not saying that I should throw a party for every little thing they do, or that I should pile on insincere praise just for the sake of feeding their egos, because it’s important that they also learn to do things for their own sake, just because they’re worth doing. But I do need to be sure that my own intrinsically motivated approach to the world doesn’t keep me from meeting the needs of my more extrinsically motivated children.

It’s not what comes naturally to me, but it certainly is comes naturally to them, and it’s important that I affirm them in ways that they can understand.