Public Displays of affection

One of the things that I want to provide for my sons is the model of a healthy marriage. I want to show them how to treat their future partners with respect, how to resolve disagreements productively, how to express their emotions clearly, how to be committed to the people they love. Most parents are comfortable following me this far.

However, I also want to show my kids that a healthy marriage involves physical affection and sexual desire. I want them to see how this affection and desire can be expressed in ways that are respectful and loving. There are obvious limits to this, of course, but I think it’s important for my sons to see me hold my wife when she’s down, kiss her when she’s happy, and cuddle her when we’re spending time with each other. I also think it’s important for them to hear me verbally express that I find my wife attractive.

And this is where some parents become uneasy. They don’t feel comfortable or appropriate expressing physical affection in front of their children, and there are sometimes good reasons for this. Some of them are just very private people.  Others, like me, didn’t have positive examples of physical affection from their own parents and grandparents. The whole idea of modelling sexual desire, even in very small ways, seems risky or inappropriate.

The alternative, however, is that our children will take their models of affection and desire solely from the media that they consume, where sexuality is rarely presented in ways that contribute to committed and loving relationships. If we want our kids to choose their partners well and to build healthy relationships, we need to show them how good partners behave and how healthy relationships function, even and especially when it comes to our sexuality.