Communication breakdown
Dear Dr. Karyn,
Question: My 14-year-old daughter and 13-year-old son have stopped talking to me. I found such a drastic difference when they became “teenagers”. Are there some tips or suggestions for me to get them to open up?
Answer: Great question and one that many parents can relate to! Most parents want their kids to talk to them – but how? Here are five tips to get your kids to talk that work at almost any age.
Tip #1: Be Safe
Parents need to be a ‘safe place’. Kids won’t talk if they feel their parents are going to judge them, tell other people confidential information, make fun of what they are saying, call them names or are too focused on ‘fixing the problem’. If you really want to have your child share with you, it’s your job as the parent to create an environment of safety. This means encouraging, affirming, listening and really seeking to understand. When your child or teen feels safe and respected, he will be more willing to open up to you.
Tip #2:: Be Aware Of Your Emotions
If you’ve ever noticed, children are more likely to talk with us when we are feeling relaxed and calm instead of stressed out and angry. When we are experiencing unpleasant emotions, most teens or children will pick up on this and decide unconsciously, “Mom and Dad can’t handle what I want to share.” So if you want your children to talk, start by managing your emotions.
Tip #3: Listen Instead Of Giving Solutions
Last year I asked more than 1000 teens in the GTA what they needed from their parents to encourage them to talk. The number one response: to listen more. So often we are quick to give solutions when really our kids just want us to listen to them. Some parents have told me that if they don’t give a solution, they think they are not helping. But I would challenge this attitude and ask: according to whom? We each define help differently. To one person, hearing a solution is helpful. For others, all that is needed is a listening ear. And based on my research, many teens just need their parents to listen more.
Tip #4: Choose Good Timing
Timing is everything. It can literally make or break having a great conversation. Every person has a ‘best time’ that works for them. To figure this out, try to think of a successful past conversation you’ve had with your teen. Chances are, if you have a pre-teen or teen, your best conversation was after school or late at night – not in the morning. It’s because teens are more relaxed at these times. Let’s face it – if we’re tired, our ability to concentrate is lower. So pick the best timing for your child and seize the opportunity.
Tip #5: Be One-On-One
I asked more than 5000 parents to think of great bonding and connecting moments they’ve had with one of their children. According to more than 90 per cent of the parents their best heart-to-heart was when they were alone together. So aim to spend some time alone with your child or teen if your goal is to open up the dialogue.
• Read more tips in Dr. Karyn’s new book called Dr. Karyn’s Guide the Teen Years available everywhere where books are sold Dr. Karyn will be on a speaking tour for parents in May – visit her website at www.drkaryn.com for details.
