Soft words

Knowing how to respond to children when they have lost control of their emotions is often difficult, especially when it isn't obvious what has caused their emotion, and especially when there are other people around who make the situation embarrassing to you or your kids.

One of the things I've realized is that the old biblical saying, “A soft answer turns away wrath,” most often holds true in these situations, and I try to respond to outbursts of anger or fear or sadness with words that are as calm and soft as I am able to make them. In the long run, it might be necessary to have conversation with the child about his or her behaviour, about what caused it, about what could be done to deal with it, and about what consequences might result from it. However, it's almost always pointless to try for this kind of conversation in the middle of the child's meltdown. It's usually better to offer a soft word, to remove the child from the situation, and to give whatever support, comfort, or space he or she needs to regain their composure. Then you can have a meaningful talk.

There is rarely any benefit to parents losing control of their own emotions, reacting with anger or dismissal or frustration in response to their children's own loss of control.  This kind of response only censors children if their emotions are legitimate and gives them attention if their emotions are merely acting out.  In both cases, it's better to remove them from the situation, assist them to gain their composure, and then take some time to deal with the issue after the fact.

And don't forget to deal with it. Opening a conversation about the situation later allows the opportunity for children to express their feelings and for parents to help share coping strategies. It also ensures that inappropriate behaviours are discussed and met with proper consequences. The point isn't just to defuse the situation at the time, which might reinforce the behaviour. The point is to address the situation at a time when parents and children are both able to benefit most from the conversation.

Luke Hill is a stay-at-home father of three boys, aged nine, seven, and three.  He has fathered, fostered, adopted, or provided a temporary home for kids anywhere between birth and university.  He has taught college courses, adoption seminars, camp groups, Sunday School classes, rugby teams, not to mention his own homeschooled kids.